The Targets - August 28, 2006

We Laughed, They Cried... - "Sure, many winners at this year's Emmys got teary -- but hilarious bits by Conan, Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert, and even Helen Mirren were the evening's real highlights." -- The Emmy's were on?

Emmys Best & Worst Dressed - "See PEOPLE's picks of the night's most gorgeous gowns and biggest fashion fumbles. By Melissa Liebling-Goldberg." -- See me give a shit.

Low Necklines Top Emmys Fashion - "TV's top stars showed off their assets in a big, bare way as low-cut V-necks and halter tops dominated the red carpet at Sunday's 58th annual Primetime Emmy Awards in Los Angeles." -- Nope, still don't give a shit.

Emmy rewind: The five worst moments - "Without bright-spot Conan O'Brien, many of us would've lapsed into comas during last night's Emmy Awards. If you sat through the entire thing without getting paid for it, I applaud you. Here were the low points as I saw them:" -- Oh, I guess they were on.

Fall movies feel fresh, but fans will now decide - "A funny thing has happened on the way to movie theaters this fall: Hollywood, it seems, has been listening to fans looking for original features after years of boring sequels, prequels and remakes.

Fametracker's Ten Least Essential Fall Films, 2006 - "So empty your bellies and ready your bibs, because this is an all-you-can-eat smorgasbord of inessentiality. Sidle up and chow down."

"Truthiness," "Wikiality" named TV words of year - ""Truthiness" and "Wikiality" -- two of the words popularized by political satirist Stephen Colbert on his TV show "The Colbert Report"-- were named on Sunday the top television buzzwords of the year."

The Crankiest Week Ever - "It seems like every day somebody was dumped, arrested, fired, quitting, canceling something, or just getting completely fed up. Perhaps the approach of Labor Day and the end of summer is just making everybody really cranky."

Web, reality TV create new celebrities - "The rise of the instant star and the increasingly ephemeral nature of celebrity pose a challenge to television's traditional measures of talent. So it's no surprise that one of the most popular sessions at the Edinburgh festival was a panel discussion — titled "Don't You Know Who I am?" — that examined the changing nature of celebrity."

Man throws phone 292 feet to win contest - "Ever heard of the Mobile Phone Throwing World Championship? It was held in Finland this weekend."

Reiner wants Gibson to come clean on ‘Passion’ - "The actor also must acknowledge that "his work reflects anti-Semitism," particularly the 2004 hit movie "The Passion of the Christ," Reiner told Associated Press Radio."

New 007 causes a stir - "JAMES Bond is no longer taking his favourite drink “shaken not stirred”. In new movie Casino Royale 007 Daniel Craig, 38, asks a waitress: “A dry Martini, please.”"

Cruise Wrongly Accused of Sexist Remark - "Tom Cruise got slammed last week in Australia, where he was named winner of the "Celebrity Ernie Award" for a so-called sexist comment that award organizers claim he made. Only, he didn't make it."

Cruise Regrets Bashing Brooke Shields - "Tom Cruise realizes he crossed a line when he criticized Brooke Shields last summer for her use of antidepressants, a colleague of the actor says."

Wedding Crashers meets Punk'd for Ashton Kutcher - "Ashton Kutcher really loves Punking people, doesn't he? The next project for his production company, Katalyst Films, is a Wedding Crashers-style version of Punk'd."

KUDROW: NO FRIENDS REUNION! - "Kudrow told E!'s Ryan Seacrest on the Emmys Red Carpet, that the Friends reunion was a "rumor," fueled by "quotes taken out of context" by the former castmates."

Nude teens raise eyebrows - "Teenagers in the quaint Vermont town of Brattleboro are raising eyebrows this summer with brazen displays of nudity. So far they haven't been arrested or ticketed: public nudity isn't illegal in the town of 13,000 people, unless it's done to arouse sexual gratification. Vermont has a live-and-let-live tradition, allowing skinny-dipping and nude sunbathing."

Pink Floyd guitar solo sits comfortably in first place - "Pink Floyd's Comfortably Numb has the best guitar solo of all time, according to a new poll. It was chosen ahead of the opening riff from Sweet Child O' Mine by Guns N' Roses. Third was Freebird by Lynyrd Skynyrd, while Eruption by Van Halen was fourth and Guns N' Roses' November Rain fifth. Led Zeppelin classic Stairway to Heaven was in sixth place."

New rock stars use Web videos to win fans - "Chicago alternative rock band OK Go has become more popular on the video-sharing Web site YouTube than it ever was on MTV. The band's treadmill video has been viewed millions of times on the Internet and featured on news programs around the world." -- I must say, it is a pretty good video.

Elton John vows to make hip hop record - "After 40 years of performing rock music, pop ballads and movie soundtracks, Elton John is looking to cross over to yet another musical genre -- hip hop." -- Oh, the comet can not get here fast enough.

Federline will appear on 'CSI' this fall - "Although he and Spears ventured into TV with their reality show "Chaotic," which aired on UPN last year, Federline said this will be his first venture into acting." -- And yet another reason to not watch CSI.

The Pirates Stand - "What you see is what you get. I am the only drunken Pirate seeking office in this great nation. What a sad testimonial to our political system when a degenerate like me, feels like the most honest candidate on the ballot."

Miss America Can't Walk Away from Vegas - "The 85-year-old pageant will let it ride in Las Vegas, returning to Sin City for the 2007 edition of its once-much-ogled swimwear exhibition." -- Because this is important.

'Gilligan' ship for sale - " The American Boat Listing Web site puts a $99,000 price tag on the 1964 40-footer, now docked in British Columbia, Canada, that sleeps five. But move fast. If not for the courage of the fearless bid, the Minnow could be lost."

Smuggling candy into theatres poll results - "73% of you said you smuggle candy in every time or sometimes you go to a movie theatre. That was quite surprising! 11% of you said you never smuggle candy in - some because you never thought of it, some because you don’t go to movie theatres, and some just said no."

Woman crashes when teaching dog to drive - "A woman in Hohhot, the capital of north China's Inner Mongolia region, crashed her car while giving her dog a driving lesson, the official Xinhua News Agency said Monday." -- Where's the comet?

The Targets - August 25, 2006

Pole-a-Palooza -- Because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

Emmys Kick Up a Fuss, if Not Ratings - "The e-mail to ABC executive Jeffrey Bader from an old college friend leveled a complaint that had nothing to do with the network. "I sure won't be watching the Emmys, because the nominations are so ridiculously stupid," wrote the irritated viewer, an archivist in Boston."

Survey: Couric Better Known Than Rivals - "Good news for Katie Couric: Lots of people know her and like her. In fact, Couric, who takes the "CBS Evening News" anchor chair Sept. 5, is better known than her soon-to-be rivals, according to a poll released Thursday by Pew Research Center for the People and the Press." -- Now if only the real news got this much coverage.

Q Scores: Tom Cruise's Popularity Has Dropped - "An executive with Marketing Evaluations Incorporated, the company that calculates the scores, says Cruise's positive perception has fallen about 40 percent in the last year. And his negative perception has jumped nearly 100 percent." -- Is Cruise really so important that it is necessary to devote this much time to him? Um, yeah. What the hell was I saying?

Tom Cruise wins Australia award -- for sexism - "Actor Tom Cruise has a new award from Australia to add to his collection -- for being the most sexist celebrity."

‘Survivor’s’ new racial divide - "But nothing compares to this. It's not even sporting to rattle off the reasons why it's a terrible idea. Start with the fact that it smells like an attempt to "represent" everyone, and expecting five people to be representative of millions or billions is begging for trouble. Consider what happens if, for reasons unrelated to race, four of the first five people to leave are Asian? What if the final four are all black? Or all white? What do those headlines look like?"

NYC Officials Want New 'Survivor' Pulled - "As CBS prepares to launch a new season of the hit reality show "Survivor," this time featuring teams divided by race, enraged city officials are saying it promotes divisiveness and are calling for the network to reconsider."

Puppy purse the ultimate accessory for pooch lovers - "Imported from the United States, these colourful and stylish "doggie bags" enable devoted dog owners to carry their puppies and little pooches wherever they go. Designed to be "lightweight" with an adjustable strap, the "PuppyPurse" is exactly as it sounds."

BRUCE & PATTI 'ON THE ROCKS' - "Several sources have told The Post that the superstar who wrote "Hungry Heart" and his second wife of almost 20 years, Patti Scialfa, are on the rocks and virtually living separate lives."

'Woodstock for gamers' grows by leaps, bounds - ""It's a cultural event more than a trade show or anything like that," Krahulik said. The three-day conference includes the traditional panel discussions and expo hall, but also nightly concerts. Large chunks of time are set aside for tournaments, letting attendees compete until early in the morning."

The Power of, well, Makeup! -- Pretty good pics here.

10,000 Reasons Civilization is Doomed - "This site was started by six friends who, sitting around the dinner table one Saturday night, came to the conclusion that civilization was doomed. We felt this way not because of the inevitable dimming of our sun, or an errant asteroid, but rather because of the idiocy of our times. Frankly, we are tired of the fake optimism, superficiality, non-talented celebrities, doped-up athletes, dishonest and illiterate politicians, corporate thieves, wife-beaters and evangelical terrorists rampant in the world today and we decided that one way of making ourselves feel better would be to list them for all the world to see and to add upon."

Stephen Colbert a Rising Viral-Vid Star - "While many of his television brethren have been more wary of YouTube and the Web, Stephen Colbert is urging his fans to make him a viral-video star." -- You know you want to enter.

The Best Schools ... on TV -- Apparently, this list is necessary.

THE DAY THE MUSIC DIED - "WE all have one. That song you can't listen to because it's the one that was playing when she broke your heart, or during that summer job you couldn't stand, or during the dental operation you'd prefer to forget. Now there's a Web site devoted to the concept of the "can't listen. "People have lots of creative ways of ruining music for each other," says writer Mary Phillips-Sandy, 29, who with boyfriend Bryan Bruchman created the aptly titled Ruinedmusic.com to document such harrowing tales."

Trendy fashion trickles down through television - "Looking for the latest hot item in fashion? Tune into Sunday's Emmy Awards and you might catch a glimpse of the next big trend on the red carpet, like pearl-encrusted bra straps."

NEW PEPPER SPRAYS AFASHION ASSAULT - "A company hopes women attending New York nightclubs will be more willing to carry pepper spray if it's packed in blinged-out barrels. The lipstick-size cylinders, created by Pepperface.com, come adorned with bright colors or Swarovski crystals, and pack three half-second bursts of a hot-pepper derivative called oleoresin capsicum, which causes impairment of vision, choking and a burning sensation for up to 45 minutes."

Books We Leave Behind - "Celebrity autobiographies are the books most often abandoned by readers, according to a new survey." -- Well there's a shocker.

The Targets - August 24, 2006

Tokyo subway to display naked Spears ad - "Tokyo's subway authority will allow a station advertisement featuring a nude and pregnant Britney Spears, officials said Thursday, dropping an earlier plan to censor the photo." -- I know you all wanted to know this.

Project Hoover: Suck up every TV show in the new fall season, be your own TV critic - "Each fall, the avid television watcher faces the daunting task of sorting through all of the new shows to decide what to watch. The traditional method would be to trust a reviewer to suggest a few new shows to catch and make sure to watch the pilots of those shows, lest ye never understand what the heck is going on (I’m looking at you, ‘Lost’). Reviewers are sometimes on a different wavelength than the general public, though, so thankfully there’s another way to play this game. Just have your PVR record everything and be your own reviewer." -- Really, can't we find something better to do?

Here is your new Survivor cast - "Take a good look at these people. They seem strong and content right now, but in a few months they're going to be dirty, emcaciated, irritable, and just a little bit evil. It's that time of year again, kids: meet the new cast of Survivor!"

Logging On for Love, Tuning Out the Realities - ""LOL" derives its title from the Internet slang for “laugh out loud,” but there’s nothing funny about the movie’s insight into emotional abstraction. Directed by Joe Swanberg, from a screenplay written in collaboration with his co-stars Kevin Bewersdorf and C. Mason Wells, it tells the story of three post-college Chicagoans with nervous systems so wired, their hearts have begun to atrophy."

Sweet treats, trips are in the bag - "For the 2006 Emmy presenters' gift basket, 17 items are packed in a brown Dooney & Bourke roller. USA TODAY gets the rundown on the goodies, valued at $27,000 to $33,000." -- Because that's necessary.

IRS is watching Emmy show of affection - "There's a new word circulating in Emmy circles: taxes. Those stars who pick up all that loot in awards show gift bags and promotional gift suites are supposed to pay a share of the value to the IRS. And this year, the IRS is making sure they know it: "The dollars involved are so lavish that we need a national outreach program" to raise awareness of the rules, the IRS' Beth Tucker says."

Vegas closing 24-hour marriage office - "Spontaneous lovebirds and celebrities take note: there won't be any more early morning quickie marriages in Vegas. After years of sanctioning hastily made matches, the Las Vegas marriage bureau plans to close its all-night counter. County officials approved a new 8 a.m.-to-midnight schedule that will take effect next Wednesday, eliminating 24-hour marriage license service on Fridays, Saturday and holidays."

How I Spent My Summer Vacation: Las Vegas - "If you're not a gambler, even better. You can save your money and spend it on the luxurious restaurants, clubs, spas and shopping that this decadent city is ripe with. And you just might spot Paris Hilton or Carmen Electra while you're at it." -- Oh please sign me up! I have to have the chance at seeing Paris Hilton or Carmen Electra! They are so important! I love them!

Bare-breasted porn stars ride choppers - "Two dozen bare-breasted porn stars paraded on motorcycles and military vehicles down the main street of New Zealand's biggest city on Wednesday after beating efforts by Auckland officials to prevent the promotional stunt."

Lawsuit filed against Dog the bounty hunter - "Dog's son Leland was the first to approach Lutu, but it was soon revealed he wasn't the man they were after. Now Lutu has filed a lawsuit against Dog and his bail bonds company. He claims he was handcuffed and held at gunpoint by police officers on two separate occasions following his encounter with Dog." -- No, my name is Dog. Please call me Dog from now on.

Premiere's 100 MOST DARING MOVIES EVER MADE - "The 100 films that follow (in alphabetical order) were chosen by the magazine's editors for their startling ideas and images. Some are from foreign lands or scorned genres; many were made with tiny budgets; but all are great, and none are recognized by the AFI."

No, that's not a penis pump, Mom. Really - "Cook County prosecutors say a 29-year-old man traveling with his mother desperately didn't want her to know he'd packed a sexual aid for their trip to Turkey. So he told security it was a bomb, officials said."

NY's oldest bartender still mixing martinis at 90 - "A man who mixed martinis for Marilyn Monroe and poured Scotch for John Lennon was feted as New York's oldest bartender when he turned 90 this week, and he vowed to keep working."

The Targets - August 23, 2006

Paramount ends production deal with Cruise: WSJ - "Paramount Pictures is severing its 14-year-old ties to Tom Cruise's production company because of his off-screen behavior, the chairman of the studio's parent company said on Wednesday in an interview with the Wall Street Journal."

Crass clowns park pic pair - ""South Park" creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone have set two live-action films at Paramount."

Pants Off Dance Off - "It's been called the dumbest show on TV by no less an authority than TV Guide -- and they know TV!" -- They're searching for dancers for season two. Really, where the hell is the comet?

Naked reality: 'Pants-Off Dance-Off' is a hit - "From that offhand remark came "Pants-Off Dance-Off," which has quickly become the Fuse network's most popular series ever. No more complicated than its title, the competition features people dancing in front of a screen playing their favorite music video, while slowly shedding clothes." -- It's a fucking train wreck!

'Survivor' Race Battle - "The new season divides the contestants into Asian, White, Black, and Hispanic teams. What on earth is CBS thinking?"

Madonna Thinks 'Mystical' Water Can Clean Radioactive Waste - "Madonna and her husband, filmmaker Guy Ritchie, both followers of the Jewish spiritual movement Kaballah, have lobbied the British government to use the magic, water-based liquid - which they say was successfully tested in a Russian lake, it was reported Sunday."

Great movie teachers? Class is in session - "The best movie teachers, class: ... Mr. Garrison, “South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut”: Mr. Hat notwithstanding, I would have retained far more from the third grade had my teacher insisted that we learn how to tell a prostitute from a police officer and reassured my young mind with such truths as: “There are no stupid answers, just stupid people.”"

Kevin Praises His Teen Choice Performance - ""I'm happy," says Federline, whose first album is due in October. "I think I pulled it off pretty well. (But) I'm overly critical of myself.""

Study: Fewer Gay Television Characters - "Nine gay characters are depicted in network-TV series scheduled for the 2006-07 season, a decrease from last year's 10, the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation said Monday."

Motivator: Inspire! Motivate! Mock! - "Armed with a digital camera and that non-stop wit of yours, you now have the power to turn a simple photograph into an inspirational message that will burn forever in the hearts and minds of dozens. Print it, frame it! Make two -- we know you've got hundreds of digital images and photos to spare! But don't worry if you can't think of anything... remember, there's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to." -- Now here's to wasting time.

Bowling For Soup - High School Never Ends

The Targets - August 22, 2006

The Official Website of the R2 Builders Club -- Because you know you want to build your very own R2-D2.

Tom & Jerry in trouble in for smoking scenes - "They chase each other at high speed, wielding axes and hammers. But the famous cartoon duo of Tom and Jerry are in trouble in Britain for smoking on screen."

Bakersfield Biscuits - "Welcome to Modern Foods, the home of Dwight Yoakam's Bakersfield Biscuits™brand of foods."

9/11 gets a graphic retelling - "It looks like a comic book and reads like a comic book, but the subject matter is deadly serious: what went wrong before, during and after 9/11."

It's now or never: find Elvis for $3 million - "Have you seen the king? As the 29th anniversary of his death passes, a $3 million reward is being offered for anyone who finds Elvis Presley alive."

Meet Sarah - "What would you do if your 29-year-old friend asked you to help her lose the Big V?" -- Sorry, I am no longer teaching that subject.

Paris Hilton: My Album's So Good, 'I Cry' - "All the practice seems to have paid off: Of her new album, she tells the magazine: "I, like, cry, when I listen to it, it's so good."" -- I'm crying now.

Breaking up with Shannen Doherty -- A new show on Oxygen. Just what the world needs, too!

Kevin Federline's TV rap debut panned - "It was the most anticipated performance of the night — and the most ridiculed. By morning, videos of it were splashed on Web sites like YouTube.com and various blogs, accompanied by catty comments mocking both Federline and his wife."

Diddy, Kim Porter Expecting Their Second Child - "Sean "Diddy" Combs and his longtime girlfriend, model Kim Porter, are expecting their second child, the mogul's rep confirms to PEOPLE exclusively." -- And that's why I see it all over the net?

Top 10 Grossest Candies - " There are a lot of gross candies in this world. A lot. I didn’t realize the level of grossness that candy has sunk to." -- #3 and #1 are my favorites.

Spice Girls top bands reunion poll - "The Spice Girls have been voted the band most people would like to see get back together."